I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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