i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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