we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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