Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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