If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
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