you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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