Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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