Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
