No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
