I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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