I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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