I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
