Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
