You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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