My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Found the puke drawer
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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