i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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