you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
