After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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