I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
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Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
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and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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