Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
