i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
