barbara walters just said penis...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
