I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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