I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
