new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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