I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
