I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
