My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
