forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
