There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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