he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
