i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
