Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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