My first STD was from a foam party
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
