so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
