she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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