I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
