The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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