I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Randomize
