Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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