I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
