So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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