Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
