sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
