Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
