So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
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She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
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Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'