My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
