i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now