i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
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don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
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We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.