What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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