True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I intend to get homeless drunk
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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