Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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