Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
