My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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