I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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