I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
