Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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