she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Come on in and take your pants off
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