I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I FOUND THE LEGS
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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