can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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