so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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